You Don’t Look Italian
November 3, 2009 by Peter@BSN
Filed under Columnists, None But Ourselves
As th
e bromide goes-if I had a dime for every time someone said that I didn’t look Italian, I’d be a millionaire. Admittedly at 6’4” with blue eyes, less-than-olive skin and long, light brown hair, I am not what most people in the United States would imagine an Italian American looks like. However, visit my mother’s hometown of Isola del Liri in Italy’s Lazio Region and you will see plenty of people with my features.
So what does this have to do with being bisexual? Well every year in October when Italian American History Month rolls around, I fulminate about how much I want nothing to do with Columbus, how little anyone knows about Sacco and Vanzetti, and how I wish I had other Italian American bisexuals, gay men and lesbians to hang around with. It’s as if I spend the month in a protracted and wide-ranging intellectual version of hide-and-go-seek. Come out, come out wherever you are. Please.
In fact, I see the surface level of parades, nostalgic remembrances of Little Italies, and the struggle to ‘make it’ in the United States. What I see little of is critical discussion of Italian American history and the state of the community as it is. In fact, one of the few places I see such is the Italian American studies discussion list, which I have been following for a few years now. What I see nothing of is a continuing discussion of what it is to be BLGT and Italian American so there are moments when I feel on the margins of margins because of my ethnicity and sexuality.
I have an intense hunger for connecting to other BGLT Italian Americans because of our common culture and history. As an Italian American, I have maintained a certain attachment to tradition. One of the things this means is that I value community , although not necessarily in ways my ancestors would have understood.
In my great hunt for other Italian American bisexuals, here’s what I’ve come up with so far:
When I was on the board of the Bisexual Resource Center a few years ago, I asked my confederates if they knew of any other Italian American bisexuals-especially men. My colleague Sheeri mentioned Tom Limoncelli and I immediately went to his web site. Well, I’m not the only one, I thought. Anyone else?
Well, there are two women I can think of: Camille Paglia has been out for quite a while and Lady Gaga seems to have joined the ‘party’ lately.
And that’s where my line of inquiry ends.
I also did a web search for works on BLGT Italian Americans, I found Fuori: Essays by Italian/American Lesbians and Gays, one of whose authors, Giovanna Capone, suggested I also look at the anthology Hey Paesan! Writing by Lesbians and Gay Men of Italian Descent. Although these insightful and poignant books do not mention bisexuals, they have become indispensible to me as a way to assure myself of the existence of other BLGT Italian Americans. In short, I’ve grabbed on to what was there.
But that is not enough. I salute the authors of the above works, although it is clear that more is needed. This more is part of the reason I do this column. The Italian American community prefers not to talk about ‘alternative sexuality’ and so, maintaining family solidarity, opts for silent tolerance. The BLGT community, I have found, seems ill-at-ease in discussing ethnic differences that do not fit neatly into the Black/White/Asian/Native American/Latino rubric. Not that we are all that comfortable discussing race and ethnicity at all in the United States. We all have an ethnicity-or ethnicities-and it plays in how we view our sexuality and act it out.
Given all that, here’s what I want to see:
I want more Italian American BLGT folk to come out of the closet, tell their stories and build community. I want the larger Italian American community to listen with respect to and embrace its BGLT members. I want the BGLT community to understand and honor the fact that its Italian American members come from a different cultural space. I also want the BGLT community to have more open and honest discussions about race and ethnicity, as well as religion and class, that lead to more effective representation of the community as a whole.
The author can be reached at peter@bisocialnews.com with questions, comments and feedback regarding his posts.
Hi there!
Reading this blog has been so refreshing… We don’t even have a bisexual community here in Italy, since bisexuality is totally invisible, when not utterly misperceived or treated harshly by both sides (het and homo). I’m trying to change things starting from the internet: I try to be an active member of the LGBT section of Yahoo Answers Italy by answering most questions regarding bisexuality. Also, last night I started to take part into a new project with the local GL community: it involves volunteering to go to schools and talk about homosexuality. And for the first time I came out as a bisexual in front of a group of people (I am out to my partner, a lesbian woman, and a selected group of friends). I was relieved to see that I wasn’t discrminated against for my bisexuality, but we still have a long way to go in Italy. We’re not even represented at the Pride Parade and there are no bisexual associations whatsoever. Anyway, I’m trying to give my contribution and keep a positive attitute.
I just found this blog and read your article, and I found it great… I am an Italian bisexual woman, so I can relate to some of the issues you mention, although I’m not a man and I’m definitely not American
Reading blogs like this gives me hope!
Keep up the good job
Stregaviola
Salve Stregaviola,
Sono, infatti, contentissimo di aver fatto bene per Lei. Mi contatti quando vuole a peter@bisocialnews.com e l’aiuterei quanto possibile. Cerco sempre di fare il ponte tra gli Italiani e le comunita’ italiane nel mondo, sopra tutto negli Usa. Credo che un dialogo tra le minoranze sessuali della diaspora italiana sia molto importante.
Forza,
Peter
I was just letting Stregaviola know that I’m happy to be here and that I’d love for her to contact me. I thinks it’s very important for people who share a common heritage to dialogue about being BGLT. It’s an important way to build bridges. I encourage all of you to do the same.
“The BLGT community, I have found, seems ill-at-ease in discussing ethnic differences that do not fit neatly into the Black/White/Asian/Native American/Latino rubric.”
As an Eastern European American I can totally relate to this. I wish my culture had more BLGT stuff too, but it’s very hush hush there too, mostly b/c of Catholicism. The reverse also seems to be true of what you described in the BLGT community. As for looking Italian-I’ve been to both north and south Italy, and I saw plenty of people who looked like you, especially in the north. When people say you don’t “look Italian” they really need to educate themselves that there is much more to it than just “one way” to look.
Great article, as always!
Thank you! BGLT issues are hidden in many places. By starting with our home culture, we can creep those closet doors open and feel more at home.
Hi.
Now you can add me to your list of Italian-American pals. I am a bisexual woman and of Sicilian (and German) heritage. My mother’s side is Sicilian, my father’s German. I think it’s fair to say that I am much more Sicilian in my ways, though, as I spent all of my youth and adolescence with my mother’s family.
Always glad to add to the list! You can also drop me a line at peter@bisocialnews.com. We’ve got to make our presence felt!
It is so interesting that you say this:
“As an Italian American, I have maintained a certain attachment to tradition. One of the things this means is that I value community , although not necessarily in ways my ancestors would have understood.”
I, more than any other of my BGLT friends, really seek out a sense of community and shared experience. I never attributed this to my Sicilian ways, but of course, that makes perfect sense! Very eye-opening.
I really struggle with the reality of being raised Catholic in a tightly knit family that doesn’t talk about sex or relationships. My aunt came out as a lesbian a few years back (to me and my mother) and I know she has a deep concern about discussing it with other members of the family. They just “didn’t know her that way.” My mother – blessedly – is very open-minded and very supportive of BGLT issues. She even marched with my aunt in Washington October 11. I, sadly, couldn’t make it. I wish that I could be Catholic. That I could accept my Catholicism as easily and simply as I did in my youth. But I can’t seem to do that now because the Church is so unsupportive of our BGLT sisters and brothers. It’s really hardened me to that faith.
I’ve never really sat down to think about how my ethnic heritage influences my bisexuality and vice versa. I am also blue-eyed and with a naturally lighter brown hair that is often dyed a darker brown. I don’t “look” Sicilian either, though I think I am rather Sicilian in personality and temperament and this does seem to be recognized by other people. I sense that people don’t understand what it means for me to be Sicilian, in the same way that they don’t understand what it means for me to be bisexual. That I am proud to be both and that I cherish both for the experiences that they have brought me and the ways in which they enrich my life. Since I am married, most people want to cast aside my bisexuality as irrelevant. Since I am only half-Sicilian and not that close to my extended family at this time, most people want to denounce my Sicilianism as irrelevant – the musings of a nostalgic American grasping for something real and interesting about herself. It’s quite offensive on both counts.
You are not alone here either. I can’t tell you how many times I said exactly what you’re writing to people. I struggled with Catholicism and I still admire many of the tenets and rituals. I also have a great deal of respect for Dignity and the work it does.
As for our ethnic heritage, all of us bring it with us. It natural for it to interact with our sexuality. It’s just one of those things-like class- no one wants to talk about in the US.
I’m very happy to hear about how your mother is being supportive. We need more allies like her in the Italian American community, people willing not just to honor community but also stand up with and for us.
Great article! Funny you are writing on this, as most Americans do not know the different. Even funnier, that I’m dating someone (this Thursday) who is from North Italy and has the most curliest blond blue eyes around. If I didn’t know any better, he was cut out of an old Roman status! You don’t see features like this walking down the stress everyday in Little Chicago! LOL Thanks for sharing this bisexual perspective, as being a black/native American, I understand the issues surrounding being cool in a culture of color and strong heritage!
Thank you. We have a tendency to believe all white people are the same, all black people are the same, all Asian are the same, etc. I really think we need to broaden and deepen our understanding of diversity.