Loading...
What Bisexuals Know
May 7, 2009 by Peter Ruggiero Ruggiero
Filed under Columnists, None But Ourselves
Well dear readers, on May 3rd, I had my 25th high school reunion. A group of us who had graduated from a rather small school in Waterbury, Connecticut gathered at the home of a friend to celebrate and reminisce. While the drinks flowed and food sated, the seven of us who graduated together along with the two honorary class members, spouses – and one child – caught up on the happenings of the past quarter century.
Most of us made it through college. Most of us still find ourselves in the Northeast while others are spread out around the US. We are teachers, businesspeople, housewives — I even think we have a massage therapist [i]n the mix. Some of us partnered up earlier than others; some of us are still single. Some have children who are ready for college; some have their first on the way. We are intimates of a sort because we have known each other for around thirty years, crossing in and out of each others’ lives to one degree or another, yet we have much to learn about each other. And learn we did. As the old expression goes, in vino veritas. I would add also, in cosmo veritas. I’ll leave it at that.
Now, most of my comrades are in male-female couples, and you might expect that to have lead to the old hackneyed complaints that begin with “Men just don’t understand….” and “Why don’t women….” There wasn’t much of that, except for the women present wishing they had a wife. I’ll leave that one alone, too.
As the bisexual-in-residence at this affair, and after having admitted to a crush in high school that I had not previously revealed, I was asked the obvious question of who it was. This lead to a merry guessing game. I was asked to say whether it was a boy or a girl — remember we’re talking high school here. I gave no quarter on that account so as not to spoil to the chase. At any rate, one of my friends phone in — since she could not be present — a guess for which boy or which girl it could have been, just in case. At one point, the answer did finally come out and the next topic was on the table.
It is interesting and revealing to see what permutations people will come up with when the barrier of gender is removed from the romance equation. What qualities did my companions think I was looking for? Who did they think would have matched me? What triggered them to make one guess over another, when considering who I would have fallen for those years ago?
You see, once gender has been lifted from the table, we can start looking at those other aspects that attract us to others. Are we looking for someone who is funny, serious, intelligent, good looking? Are we the shy ones looking for someone more outgoing? Do we like redheads, gourmet cooks, or jazz lovers? What turns us on in other people? What makes [us] want to have mad passionate love with one person? What makes us want to settle down with someone — or perhaps have multiple partners? There are myriad qualities that have nothing to do with gender.
Not to say that men and women are completely the same. As the French say, “Vive la difference!” You may enjoy the soft touch of a woman, then again you may like the rasp of a man’s stubble across your skin. You may want to alternate the sensations. The permutations are many, but this is still an exception among the many qualities we seek.
I have to admit I’m still figuring out exactly what pulls to someone. I guess I keep looking for that open heart in a world and a culture that keep intimacy at bay even in what are supposed to be intimate relationships. I can say for certain that I’ve dated the strong silent type and the high maintenance type. I’ve encountered women in the former category and men in the latter — and I still can’t figure out why I went after them in any case! Well, I never pretended not to be a fool in love and desire can get the better of us sometimes — uh, more than sometimes!
What this bisexual knows is that he has to look at love and desire quite honestly, because gender has ceased to be a convenient peg upon which to hang issues.
“Oh, I just don’t know what women want!” Well, ask her — or start by finding out the best way to frame the question. There are plenty of men whose fancies I can’t discern. Maybe these are not people to pursue.
“Why can’t men just open up?” OK, any idea how many women hold things inside? Either it’s time to have a heart-to-heart or to admit that things can’t go any further.
In any case, it’s a question of communication, which can be more terrifying to people than even gender stereotypes. But what bisexuals know is that we don’t get that crutch to lean on. Everyone else should be as lucky.
About the Contributor: Peter Ruggiero:
Peter Ruggiero writes the column “None But Ourselves” and reviews bisexual books for our Entertainment section. His work examines how bisexuals see and understand the world.
|
