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The ‘Barsexual’ Debate
December 11, 2009 by Maria M
Filed under Bi News, Bisexual & LGTQ News
If you’re bisexual, especially a bisexual woman, chances are you’ve heard about this at least once—probably many more times. Tyra Banks even came up with a name for it: The ‘Barsexual’ trend (she did a whole show on it with several barsexual guests, naturally it was “lesbians vs. barsexuals,” and didn’t mention bisexuals! What exactly is it supposed to be? From what I’ve been able to gather, it’s the name for the growing trend of girls who go to bars and kiss each other (usually while drunk), for the sole amusement and entertainment of guys—but say they are straight and would never do anything more. In the minds of too many people in both the gay and straight communities, this is what [some people] think most bisexual women are—just straight girls who are looking for attention and trying to please guys. We sometimes see this in places other than bars too, and references are all over in pop culture, and it’s a hot on websites like After Ellen or in the bisexual gay, lesbian and transsexual (BLGBT) communities.
I wish they would just be labeled as straight girls looking to entertain, not bisexuals.
So the question is, how should we view this trend? Many bisexual women’s (including my viewpoint) natural tendency is to get angry—we don’t want to be stereotyped, or have our sexuality associated with something fake—that is just done for entertainment. We feel it cheapens the concept of real bisexuality and leads to people saying it’s fake—it doesn’t exist, or it’s just a phase, or worse yet, that bisexuals are sleazy opportunists and bisexual women are nothing more than sex objects. It only adds insult to injury to hear that many of these barsexuals say they’re really straight, or so the story goes, anyway. I’ve heard several bisexual female friends say “I wish they would just be labeled as straight girls looking to entertain, not bisexuals.” I most definitely sympathize with that frustration, as I’ve felt a lot myself when hearing about this, but recently I’ve been thinking and have begun to ask myself: are all these girls really just “straight fakers,” doing it for attention? Or could some of them be bisexuals who just are not giving people the best impression of bisexuality, or just coming out, or people who came out, as in this example? Or could some of them be questioning and unsure of their orientation and questioning [their sexual identity]?
To quote Adrienne Williams, founder of Bi Social Network: (See Types of Bisexuals)
Bisexuals come in all shapes and sizes, and what’s okay for some isn’t okay for others. If girls are going around kissing girls in bars—it could mean they might be a different [type of] bisexual than what you think bisexuals are—the scale does slide after all.
That statement really made me think, and it makes a good point. While I definitely don’t doubt that there is a sizable chunk of these “barsexuals” who are straight, it wouldn’t surprise me if some of them did turn out to be bisexual, or emerging bisexuals. We see this trend in porn movies too—while sometimes the “girl on girl” ones made for men will be just straight women doing “gay for pay”, there are bisexual women involved in that kind of work as well. And as much as both instances might make some of us cringe because it’s really not giving the rest of the world the best impression of bisexual women, it doesn’t necessarily mean that they are not bisexual—if they are, they are, whether they express it right or not. Should we automatically label them “fake bisexuals” just because we don’t like how they express it? And who gets to make these rules anyway?
Part of the problem with this is that bisexuality still isn’t accepted nearly as much as it should be in either the gay or straight community. In the gay community too often it’s considered a phase or nonexistent, and in the straight community—especially with women, it’s used for entertainment or titillation. So naturally, most bisexuals understandably are not going to want something that adds to negative perception to be associated with them. I will say I’m glad people have given this trend its own word.
Personally, I’m not sure what to think? Being in the bisexual community has taught me to look at the grey area in a lot of issues—which is why I’ve tried to express both sides above. I wonder, how many of the people who get into these situations are questioning or even bisexual, but I also can’t help but wonder how many are just straight girls playing into the trend.
So I am leaving this article open-ended and am asking you—our readers: What do you think, and why? How does the bisexual community feel about this issue? What has been your experience? Please feel free to post a comment, wherever you see this article, or to send me an email at maria@bisocialnetwork.com. If I get enough answers, I’ll write a follow-up summarizing them. This is one issue we should be talking about!
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About the Contributor: Maria M: Maria M. is a political writer in all forms of activism—and has marched in Washington DC for equal rights and landing bisexual interviews in politics and literary news. Maria came out as bi in early 2008.
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Thanks for a great article!
Personally, I think it’s why Kinsey needed to come up with the Kinsey Scale in the first place (as you pointed out). How far someone’s orientation leans one way or another is incredibly personal, and can’t be generalized. If someone’s just having fun, I say more power to them. I think in the long run it’s just creating a more tolerant atmosphere. (Now if only we could get it to work that way for guys with guys.)
As to perpetuating negative stereotypes, I feel if someone’s going to buy into those stereotypes they’re going to do it irregardless. Creating another label seems to me to be more of a case of creating yet another “us” and “them”– the “true” bisexuals vs the “fake” bisexuals, as opposed to just saying they’re a Kinsey 1. Or even a Kinsey 0.5.
Well said! I’m one of those bi’s that think you are so on target! Labels, you say? Well sometime they are needed, (try being a 6.0′ tall bi black/native American bi female, now there’s a label!) and if you are too scared to say “I’m bisexual,” come now! Stand up and be counted, wither you are a altering Bisexual (me) or a Hedonistic bisexuals or the Recreational bisexuals (which is what we are talking about) the bisexual community needs to stop trying to sub-gender dictate and bring access “ALL” in the fold. Again, gays and lesbians do not have an issue with saying they are gay or bi, but we do? Why is that? Look to yourselves my people!
Adrienne,
Founder, BSN
I disagree with your assessment. I do not believe that “having fun” is doing anything to create a more tolerant atmosphere. If anything, it further perpetuates the stereotype that bisexuality is an experimental phase or one of those crazy things that people do while they’re drunk.
Also- lot of lesbians, gay men and heterosexuals buy into the stereotype mostly cos of past negative experiences from dealing with a bi person (be it their own, a relative’s or a BFF’s). Unfortunately, since there isn’t a wide representation of bisexuals in the media (or in general), many people only go by what they see & know…We humans can be lazy like that.
So you think because we are bisexual we CAN’T have fun because of what others think? Come now, that’s just having someone dictate how you choose to live! We can’t stop the flow of negativity regarding others who think bisexuals is some party fest, but I won’t also change my life to make others feel better. I mean really, we are all humans as you have stated, and just like there are good and bad in every group, so too is the bisexual. How others see us is their issue not ours. We need to showcase who we are, and let the other masses decide for themselves.
I was in a bar on New Years where everyone was present but I made sure folks knew I was bi, one person even stated, yes, we know you are bi, but that’s your problem, why announce it? Why the hell not! Gays and Lesbians, sing it high and low, “I’m Queer, I’m gay, get use to it!” We need to start doing the same, party bisexual, which is called
Hedonistic bisexuals:
primarily straight or gay/lesbian but will sometimes have sex with another gender primarily for fun or purely sexual satisfaction.
Recreational bisexuals:
primarily heterosexual but engage in gay or lesbian sex only when under the influence of drugs and/or alcohol.
or just the simple variety, we are still apart of the community.
I didn’t say that.
However, I do feel that since the general public only gets to see recreational, hedonistic & “barsexual” people, they get a very narrow, one-sided view on bisexuality, which I feel can do more harm than good (and quite ironic since the majority of the people in these groups tend to self-identify as heterosexual [or rarely ID as bisexual &/or queer]).
Yes, you are right…There are always going to be people that are going to have their prejudices and beliefs, but I feel that wide representation of the masses a great tool for helping those who may be closeted, feeling confused or ashamed of themselves be proud of who they are as well as shattering negative stereotypes.
I know of so many bisexual people out there who are confused & ashamed of who they are & don’t want to openly identify themselves as bi because of the stigma it comes with. It’s not simply an “us vs. them” issue cos lets face it, every community in the world has divisions. To me, it’s a matter of wanting to be seen as individuals rather than grouped into stereotype that one may or may not identify with…It’s about having a well-rounded picture of bisexuality so that most bi men, women and youth can see a face, an image that they identify with and have that comfort that yes, their sexuality is real. At the end of the day I could care less what grown people do for fun. However I do care about making a safe & supportive environment for bi people from all walks of life to be out & proud of who they are.
bougie bohemian says: It’s about having a well-rounded picture of bisexuality so that most bi men, women and youth can see a face, an image that they identify with and have that comfort that yes, their sexuality is real.
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Yes, and I agree with you 100 percent, which is why Bi Social Network exist. But… I can’t report, we can not just show one side of the coin, because the other do exist! You can’t say show only the one part that hasn’t been seen without showing the other parts of it too. I’m a black woman, I know all too well how sides play up in media, but it’s there, and has to be shown, our job as a Bi Social Network interactive blog is to balance the other sides as well as show the naughty bits too. We are happy you are passion about this topic, we welcome all feedback and points of view! Yeah! Make your point, we want to see it!
Hey there, sorry for the late reply!
I actually understand where you’re coming from and I definitely agree with your assessment…I think it would serve as an injustice to show just one side of the spectrum (not to mention kind of boring). As a fellow black woman, I’ve seen enough negative stereotyping and preconceived notions from others about race, gender, sexuality, etc. to last a lifetime so I do get kind of touchy and moody when I feel that something is “making us look bad”…Same goes for the image of the bisexual woman. Sensitive stuff indeed…
Thanks for creating this website! I look forward to visiting often and seeing it grow, and chatting with you again!