Bisexuals and Monogamy

So here’s the proverbial $64,000 question: What does it mean to be bisexual and in a monogamous relationship?

How do we even approach the question to begin with? It seems rather daunting; after all, I’m not the first one to pose the question. On a random sampling of the web, I found a few people who have been trying to grapple with the question. There was one young woman who attempted to answer the question in a college term paper, to no avail. Then there’s a fellow who said he loved his girlfriend but was chaffing at monogamy. I found yet another posting of by a young man who extolled his girlfriend yet seemed unnerved by his sexual fantasies that included other men. As you follow the links, you’ll notice the postings span seven years. I’m sure I could have found more, especially if I had done some scholarly research.

Before we continue with the question itself, let’s also consider that resources dealing with bisexuality seem always seem to field a question regarding whether bisexuals can be monogamous. Both the Bi Writer’s Association, which I have referenced here before, and The Alliance at Michigan State University discuss the issue.

So what’s going on? What is inherent in the question? What makes people ask it? I propose the following: The mention of bisexuality leads people to assume sexual voraciousness, insatisfaction and instability. After all, we live in a society – though it is by no means the only one – in which sexuality is still tightly controlled. Monogamy is the norm; celibacy is tolerated; polyamory is beyond the pale. Sexuality and reproduction are seen as synonymous to the point that if scientists could figure out a way to have us reproduce sans the pleasure of sexual intercourse, they’d be given the Congressional Gold Medal. There’s no need to wonder why the pornography industry is so lucrative!

Thus even in a heteronormative society, the labels ‘lesbian’ and ‘gay’ can be seen to represent a restriction of choice and some sort of control. There is also an element of concreteness in the designations ‘gay’, ‘lesbian’ and ’straight’. After all, if monogamy is the norm, we are restricted to going out with a member of one sex or the other. Desire, fantasy and expression can all exist in a nice neat package, along a nice straight line. What you see is what you get.

This is not so with bisexuality. There are no discrete entities here and what you see is only the tip of the iceberg. This metaphor is particularly apt since the bulk of an iceberg is below the surface and you can’t know it without diving and exploring. In other words, bisexuality is not simple (see Robyn Ochs as well as others) – well, no sexuality is simple although it may look that way. Bisexuality exists in potentiality. We may be going out with one given person of one particular gender, but our desires and attractions have not stopped. In fact this is true no matter which label we put on our sexuality, no matter how much society would like to believe otherwise.

So if we are in a monogamous relationship, what are we to do? According to Ruth Gibian, there is a tension between recognizing one’s attractions and acting on them. While this is true, the extra challenge for us as bisexuals is not to be pressured into feeling as if we have to choose sides or as if we have chosen sides by being in a monogamous relationship. What happens is that the grip of duality, of either/or, yes/no, 0/1 tries to tighten around us. Or at least it feels that way. We have to do the work of remembering that bisexuality is not a question of us versus them, or us versus them versus them – an even more preposterous thought.

As a bisexual man, I need to remember that my attractions to both men and women bring me closer to all people, not separate me from them. Then if I am in a monogamous relationship, I have made a choice based on the needs of my partner and me, not on society’s requirements. Furthermore, I have to keep in mind that there is a dynamic tension between the outward manifestation of my attractions and what is underneath. In other words, there’s more than what others see on the surface. And that there will be moments when I have to point that out.